


Stray Kids Pødcast

by hiddenrose



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Childhood Friends, First Love, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slow Burn, stray kids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-04-26 04:43:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14394540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiddenrose/pseuds/hiddenrose
Summary: Seo Changbin sent an email to Hwang Hyunjin about his struggles. What he didn't expect was a response. Let alone a whole podcast episode about it.





	1. Changbin

**From:** DarkSpearB99@gmail.com

 **To:** Ask_Jin20@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Reality is like a sliding door...

 **Compose Email:** Hello. Is it okay to remain anonymous? This is my first time writing an email to you, so I'm a bit nervous. Please forgive me for writing such a long message. I highly doubt you'll read my email. I just needed to vent out some things. I hope you don't mind. Well, I'm a huge fan of your podcast. I also like the fact that you're considerate and honest with your podcast listeners.

Maybe, you can help me with my love problems...or not?

I'm a young adult going through an unreachable love. Don't get me wrong. I love and respect women. And I've even dated a few girls before, but I always end up all alone in the end. They either cheat on me or leave me for someone better. I know I'm not the most handsome or smartest guy on earth. But why can't I find the right person for me? Am I that boring? Or is it just bad timing or bad luck? I don't know what's wrong with me.

I sound silly for complaining. I guess I should get straight to the point, huh?

I don't want to bore you to death, Mr. Podcaster.

After breaking up with my girlfriend a few months ago, I've been feeling a bit dull. There are days where I wanted to drink my sorrows away.

I know that this isn't the right answer.

So...around a month ago, my childhood friend who I haven't seen since Junior High walked up to me and said: "Enjoying that shot of ethanol down your throat?" Of course, I was caught off guard when I realized who was speaking to me. I couldn't believe it was my childhood friend. I thought I was dreaming at first.

Although I was a little bit tipsy, I couldn't forget the sad look in his eyes.

He was the only person in the world who took the time to understand me. He never judged me. Even though he had a sharp tongue sometimes, deep down inside, he was a nice guy.

We went our separate ways after he had to pull the plug on his mom. His mother had ovarian cancer at that time.

It was a rough time for him, and I wasn't there for him.

I wanted to apologize for not going to his mother's funeral. I begged my mom to let me go, but she wouldn't let me. I still don't know why she wouldn't allow me to go. And till this day, I regret not rebelling or escaping my strict household for a day to comfort him.

I'm sorry for hesitating.

I'm sorry that I suck at talking.

I'm sorry for not seeing him before he moved away.

I'm sorry that I'm getting way too emotional.

I'm so sorry.

The reason why I talk about my dear friend this way is that I've always loved him. I know that 'same-sex' can be a sensitive topic to discuss. It's understandable if you find my story disgusting.

This is kind of my short sum up of my pathetic life: I had a slight crush on him since elementary school. But I was unsure of my feelings, and I merely shrugged it off like it was nothing.

As I got older, I figured out these feelings were no longer platonic. However, I couldn't confess to him. I was too scared to destroy this precious friendship that I had with him.

There were some days when I was moody and depressed during class that day. And he would be the one to ask me if I was doing alright.

My simple answer to his question was always: 'I'm fine'.

But did he ever noticed that I wasn't fine?

I seriously hated myself for a while.

Falling for a guy was abnormal in other people's eyes.

That period of my life was very difficult for me because I lost my whole identity. I just wanted to turn into a rock and not feel a damn thing at all. 

It eventually worked out since he actually left this town many years ago to start a clean slate.

So why..?! Why is he here now?!

I remember I couldn't stop crying when I saw his face again.

I wasn't making a lot of hysterical noises or anything dramatic. Plus, I didn't want to make a scene. He even sat right there beside me and wiped my tears away. "It's been a while," he whispered softly.

This sent me scurrying away in a fright.

Hearing his voice triggered something inside my damaged heart, I honestly wasn't ready to confront him.

And I knew that he would never chase after me anyways. 

All the feelings I buried, it resurfaces after nine years. It was overwhelming. My chest hurts. I can't breathe. It hurts so much. I am a terrible friend, aren't I? Tell me, is it wrong to love someone from the same sex? Please, tell me, how to kill these awful feelings that I have for him? I can't take it anymore. 

Please save me from my misery.


	2. Hyunjin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He went through a lot of emails today until he saw a specific one that caught his eye.  
> "Reality is like a sliding door..."

I appreciate all of my fans, but I didn't expect anything interesting to come up. Message after message, I felt like some of these stories were a bit repetitive unless the same person has created five different accounts to grab my attention. I'll give them an 'A' for effort.

I went through a lot of emails today until I saw a specific one that caught my eye. "Reality is like a sliding door..."

It's no surprise that I was curious about this person's Gmail subject, so I clicked on it.

I didn't really understand why there was this unknown feeling in my gut. I had an idea on who probably sent this email, but I didn't want to jump into conclusions.

Scary intuitions tend to lead up to the truth.

This must be a typical millennial problem, is what I thought. I wanted to process the message faster; similar to my previous emails. However, I couldn't do it to this one. To be fairly honest with you guys, it took me a few minutes to figure out why this person's story sounds oddly familiar to me.

As I read through DarkSpearB99's message, I couldn't help but notice that he had written it in a very clear and concise way—much like how I wished Changbin could have communicated this to him in person.

It was obvious that he was talking about me when he wrote:  _He even sat right there beside me and wiped my tears away. "It's been a while," he whispered softly._

It couldn't be just a coincidence to have written such a detailed story to me. Is this some kind of sick joke? Does he know who I am? How did he find out? Or did my presence triggered a bad memory for him? I'm so dazed and confused about this whole entire thing.

This was definitely not a prank because I met up with him the other day.

My friends wonder why I returned home after nine years. Why now? Nostalgia? I guess. But I wasn't going to deny the fact that I missed him so much.

Changbin and I used to be childhood friends.

It all started when my parents moved to TY Town after they got a divorce. My mother lived 25 minutes away from my father. I tend to visit my father on the weekends when he wasn't busy at work. I mostly stayed with my mother while my older brother preferred to stay at my father's place.

They made a decision to co-parent peacefully and collaboratively for us. My parents were pretty considerate and they didn't want us to feel deeply affected by the divorce.

I didn't think much of it. I just thought it was normal. 

When I was a kid, I was a fashion terrorist. There were no uniforms in this public elementary school that I was currently attending, so I ask my father what to wear that day.

The results: I ended up in a red Hawaiian shirt and some light blue skinny jeans with sandals. What was I thinking? I seriously stood out like a sore thumb. None of my classmates approached me for my exotic choice of style except for Changbin. He was the only one who had the urge to speak to me.

A simple 'hello' meant a lot to me.

I hated that feeling like I didn't belong here. The awkward silence. The weird stares coming in my way. It bothered me a lot. But Changbin welcomed me with a lovely smile on his face. He didn't judge my outfit. He just wanted to know what I enjoyed playing during my free time. I told him I like Yu-Gi-Oh! He thought it was pretty cool and said he would bring his cards, so we could have a duel next time.

Ever since that fateful day, we were literally inseparable. Those were the days, playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards at lunch and running around outside during recess with no care in the world.

I miss those days. 

Just one glance. Just one glance will do...as Changbin shyly walks down the aisle to an empty seat. An empty seat. Always behind me and never in front of me.

Though, most mornings, I knew his whole routine. I knew he was pretending to be invisible. I knew he was watching me. I never told him that I caught him watching me.

Wouldn't it be silly to be caught watching someone? I kept that secret to myself.

If anything, I'm glad I'm the invisible one. On most days, anyway. Whenever we had conversations about school work, he didn't realize I was watching him instead. As I watch, silently admiring the lines of his neck, the curvy ridges of his ear, the shape of his shoulder, I find myself wondering. What would his jet black hair feel like between my fingers? Like silk robes? Like the down of birds? 

I want to tell him, one day: 'I like you. Even though I don't show it. Even though we don't exchange many words or a look. I like you very much.'

One day, I will tell him. One day...for sure.

It's kind of sad how life doesn't go according to plan.

My mother's life reminded me of a rose. I see her only as a rose. Variety of colors, both bold and soft. A few thorns here and there, but nothing too painful.

Her life was so simple, yet so complicated.

Having always told herself she'd never find love at seventeen as they do in those TV shows and movies, but then it happened.

From any random onlooker, my mother's life wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She had an average love story with average problems and average romance. She saw things differently though. Every relationship, including her own, was special in that they were all filled with real, complex emotions and unique lives that they live.

In my mother's eyes, her love would make a great love story that she would probably read over and over again.

Every summer, without fail, she would meet us in this garden filled with all sorts of blooming flowers. A white picket fence around the garden, making the colors pop like fireworks. A small red table with two chairs to match as they sat in the middle. There they would have a cup of coffee and talk for hours on end until the sun cast a gentle orange glow on the sky, telling them that it was time to go. 

Imagine my father and mother when they were young and beautiful with no illnesses or divorce, as in love as one could be. What did they use to talk about? It didn't matter much to us, most of it is small talk or random stories.

Sometimes, they discuss a strange dream one of them had the night before. How do I know this? Because father told me that it didn't matter what was said or done, nor what kind of coffee we drank that day. All that truly mattered was the moment.

My mother. The warm sun on our skin as we look into our mother's eyes. Admiring her smile. Any possible flaw on her face was considered beautiful. She loved us unconditionally with our stained, crooked teeth. I remember father would say he loved her perfect nose. What moment could possibly be more beautiful than this? It was as if they were in some kind of children's storybook. 

This rare beautiful moment could only last but so long. The conversation always ended the same way.

My family refused to pull the plug on her until she woke up. She was in a coma for three years. I never told Changbin about it because I didn't want to burden him with my troubles.

I held everything in and then my heart exploded. It was my final year at Junior High. I was supposed to be excited about graduation.

During this period, I was already avoiding Changbin for a year now. I couldn’t resist looking up for a brief second and saw those tears in his eyes. I quickly turned my head around in fear of running into his arms and crying like a little child. 

I am losing the person that I adored so much.

I'm such a coward.

Why me?

When I arrived at the hospital the following day, my father had a frown on his face, a strong look of concern on his face, "When will you wake up? Won't you please wake up? Your boy has finally graduated. You missed out. I-I can't..."

It's impossible to watch without getting choked up but also feeling hopeful about the future. I closed my eyes and recreated the scene with my mother dancing in the garden. This was a bittersweet moment in my head. I knew that this can't go on forever. Nothing has changed. I was almost positive in the beginning. But now, I had to face the harsh reality. And my father was losing a lot of money.

These hospital bills are no laughing matter.

She walked up to the red table that we sat in earlier and took a sip of her coffee and avoid looking at me, "My baby boy. I don't want to wake up. It hurts too much. I like it over here."  

"I understand. I'm sorry that we’re being selfish." I told myself while the slow flowing stream of tears ran down my cheek.

Then I heard my mother's voice whisper in my ear: "Oh, honey..." My mother hugged me so tight. I didn't want to let her go. She kissed me on the forehead one last time and with that, they would part until the next sunny day. "I will always love all of you."

Standing outside the fence was my mother, looking unhealthy. She hasn't had a decent good night's sleep in days.

Dark grey clouds hung heavy in the sky. The strong white picket fence was broken and the paint almost completely faded. The beautiful flowers were all wilted and dead; the garden taken over by weeds with vines growing over everything. At the red table sat a deathly pale and mentally exhausted version of my mother. That was the real figure. There was no coffee. No father. No kids. Just a man in white that walks up to her and places her hand on her shoulder. "Are you ready?"

Opening my eyes, I let out a heavy sigh before I stared at my mother’s peaceful face, "There's nothing I could do for you. I will always love you too." 

Now when anyone walks through this orange door they will feel the warmth of not only the sunset but of the togetherness and fun love that fills the home.

"Sorry for your loss.” 

That’s what they all say. But do people really mean it? Or is it just something that we’ve been told to do, something expected? Is it for them, to make themselves feel better, or to look like they even care?

After the death of my beloved mother during Junior High, I decided to live with my father and older brother. We moved miles away from TY Town to start a new life in SA Town. I should have told him I was moving away, but I avoided him like a plague. I was so embarrassed to let him witness my vulnerable side.

I admit that I crushed his feelings for ignoring him. The one thing he hates the most is to be ignored by his friends and loved ones. It was tough disappearing from his life.

It was our fault for letting such a valuable friendship to drift apart for so long. I swear the main issue in our friendship was that we didn't communicate properly. It isn’t easy. I can't just talk all at once about every single obstacle that occurred in my life. I'm not good at expressing my feelings.

So what if we're different. Different is unique, not ugly.

This time I plan to pour myself into this podcast and not leave this glass half empty.

Woojin got the wrong idea when I said I will make a podcast dedicated to Changbin. He bombards me with questions: “What podcast?” or "Why didn't you do this sooner?" or “Will he listen to your podcast?” or "Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you actually confided in him?"

The answer in my every breath is simple: a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SA TOWN + TY TOWN = STAY (STRAY KIDS FANDOM NAME)  
> My attempt at being creative. I couldn't just say 'STAY TOWN'. It sounds a bit strange to me.
> 
> *Thank you, DarkChangjin for encouraging me. It means a lot.


	3. Changbin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Reality is indeed like a sliding door."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has anyone seen Ladybee591's new HyunChang/Changjin video?  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74KkfELVCgQ

Walk upstairs. Unzip my backpack. Pull out my five notebooks, a laptop, mobile phone, dictionary, and my favorite black sharpie pen that doesn't bleed through the back of the paper. Sit down and sigh like a man releasing his last breath. I couldn't believe it. I sent that email to Ask_Jin20 or better known as Jin on his podcast. Woojin actually gave me interesting advice the other day and suggest that I speak to someone who doesn't belong in our friend's circle.

He recommended Ask_Jin20's podcast despite not knowing the identity of this person. I thought why not try it out. 

I heard he provides a sense of relief to his listeners about making huge decisions, having difficulty coping with stressful situations, experiencing conflict in an important relationship, or simply feeling lonely.

Talking to someone about whatever is on my mind could go a long way towards improving my well-being. Well, I've been depressed for a few months after the CEO kept rejecting most of my recently composed music.

He then asked me: "You don't want to do this, do you? Why are you doing this to yourself?" 

I felt defeated that I was never going to be good enough. It's like I was a teenager all over again. Regardless of the countless ink pens lost in the oblivion of pages, I was never good enough in my mother's eyes. Regardless of the relentless work ethic developed through the need to contribute to the constant payment of backbreaking bills, I will never be good enough for the CEO. Regardless of the devotion towards my morals and ethics to strive towards being the perfect son and songwriter, I was never good enough.

Despite all of my doubts, I indeed knew, it was never about being good enough. Like the Grim Reaper looming over my pathetic soul, my parent's shadow shrouded my entire existence. 

My parents reminded me of a vine that I saw at school when I was a kid. It used to cover every inch of the old picket fence. Just like how my parents used to constrict me from my freedom. I didn't get to enjoy being a kid except for those times I was able to play outside during recess with Hyunjin and Woojin.

A gentle wind always flew by me and made me feel so free for that moment. Sweet, zinnia flowers would have celebrated the warmth of spring and summer. The thought of absent friends hurt me so much because these two made me feel alive.

I am not some kind of caged bird. I realized this as I gotten older that having overly protective parents can be toxic to me. And that is why I cut my ties from my family. I left home as quickly as I could. I hated being the only one in my whole group of school friends and college friends that don't get to do even basic things that they get to do, like meet friends at the cafe or fast food place in broad daylight, or hang out with friends at midnight to play video games.

Even some of my friends from conservative backgrounds end up having way more fun than me. It's extremely annoying. Especially when you're not a little boy anymore. 

Most of the people still waiting for permission to come back from school at 5 instead of 7. It gets frustrating and you tend to lose all hope in this world. Some of the kids with overprotective parents tend to rebel, while some get very depressed while a majority of them just feel like it's utterly pointless and accept it the way it is.

No words could describe how annoying this is after a while especially if you are a single child, like me. You have nobody to talk to, and to be honest you can't share everything with your parents. You'll need a friend to talk to, which they don't always give me permission to.

With my ID, important documents, and a couple of clothes inside my backpack, I got the chance to move out on my own. I had gotten a job out of high school and saved enough money to get my own place. I seriously left like a thief in the night. I never said goodbye to my parents.

It took another three years before I returned. I had bounced around from place to place during that time but always remained within nine miles of my family’s home.

I received several promotions in those years.

A meeting with a fellow college professor influenced my choice to embark on a full-fledged music career. I started a rap career while working part-time at a cafe nearby the company.

Then one day, the CEO suggested that I quit my part-time job and become a singer-songwriter and record producer. I was skeptical at first, but I gave it a go since I really love music so much. I thought it was a great opportunity to enhance my skills even further. I was able to produce and write songs for other artist and groups over the years. I finally made a name for myself.

I had just finished making payments on my first car when I decided it was time to go home.

The welcome I received that Sunday afternoon was a shock, to say the least. When I rang the doorbell, I expected to have a quick conversation at the front door with my mother glaring at me.

Instead, my father let me in and gave me the biggest embrace he had ever given me. I was definitely caught off guard. From what I recalled, my parents were not the affectionate type so for my dad to just straight up embraced me that way was a bit awkward. The tears that were streaming down his face dampened the left shoulder of my white hoodie that I was wearing. 

Throughout the day, we talked about anything we could come up with to talk about. We discussed my job and the promotions. He showed me his precious 2007 Toyota FJ Cruiser, and we talked about my mother, their divorce, and how things went pretty sour after I left home.

Then we went upstairs to my old room. The same old room where I suffered from my depression. I was my own worst enemy during this period.

This reminds me of an article I checked out years ago that once stated that it's not until an individual reaches their early to mid-twenties, that they start to have a good relationship with their parents.

But it doesn't always apply to everyone. I guess mine started that day.

Gone were the feelings that my parents were the worst human beings in this world. No longer did I feel like I hated their guts. Instead of remembering all the times I had been locked up in this miserable house as I grew up, things had changed. I honestly see my father as someone who cared enough to teach me discipline and patience.

I apologized several times for leaving so abruptly and for not keeping in touch.

When we cracked open an ice-cold soju in my old room that I once wanted to burn down to the ground, my father said the most important thing he ever said to me.

He began by telling me that he always knew that I would be able to survive on my own and that when I left, he felt so empty and ashamed. He knew how strict my mother could be sometimes. That was her way of protecting her son. It wasn't anything severe. I just didn't get to go out and explore. That's all.

My father wasn't around much when I was younger since he was working constantly in the shipyard. He rarely went against my mother and he always sided with her whenever he was home. He rarely laid a hand on me compared to my mother.

He finished by saying the phrase that made me love my dad even more that day.

"You've done better than I could have ever imagined. Despite my failings as your father, I'm proud of you, son."

 Ring, ring, ring...

Lying deep within my thoughts, the potential to feel inspired and creative again to compose music. Now, why do I say inspired and creative? Anyone can get inspired from simple things like a situation or a romantic comedy film, but that doesn't necessarily mean you'll write the perfect lyrics or compose the perfect melody right away.

And that's when the creativeness comes in. I usually write a song faster if what I'm writing about is something I am currently living in rather than if it's something that I feel obligated to do.

Ring, ring, ring...

That little sucker kept on ringing. Woojin called and called and called until I snapped out of it. I decided that I had enough of that damn ringing. Eventually, I picked up the phone and answered his call. "You know I'm at the studio," he sighed. "This better be an emergency."

"SEO CHANGBIN!!! LISTEN TO ASK_JIN20'S PODCAST RIGHT NOW!!! THERE ARE NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS ABOUT IT!! JUST DO IT!!"

"Why are you shouting at me?" I asked. 

"THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!! PLEASE, JUST DO IT!"

"Fine." I hung up on him. I went on my phone to find the latest episode of Ask_Jin20's podcast. There's currently a new episode streaming live and it's called: "9 Years Overdue".

I finally clicked on it.

After that, I text Woojin that I am here listening to Ask_Jin20's new podcast episode. His response was 'perfect' and 'you won't regret it'. Lost and confused, I wonder what he meant by his text. I seriously didn't think too much of it as I listen carefully to Jin's voice.

Little did I know; this podcast episode will change my life forever.

"Hello, everyone! Just for today, we're trying something different. Based on a recent email that I received from one of my listeners; I'm going to portray a character ironically named 'Hwang Hyunjin' and today's personal story on my podcast is called: '9 Years Overdue'. This will be the first and last time I will use the name 'Hwang Hyunjin'. I know some of you guys have known me as Jin. But I genuinely need this one specific listener to understand what is going on. You're a smart boy. Trust me, you'll figure it out," he said.

"H-Hyunjin?! No, it can't be!!" I yelled.

I immediately text Woojin what was going on, but I didn't receive a single reply. I tried calling him twice, only to get rejected.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

Jin's abrupt character change was initially a shock to me. And he used the name 'Hwang Hyunjin'. It's no coincidence at all that Woojin sent me directly to Hyunjin. Not a coincidence at all.

I swear when I see Woojin's face again. I will shoot a real arrow at him for attempting to play cupid with my life. What is wrong with him? Was this some kind of sick game? Why would Woojin sell me out like that? I tried to collect myself. It is completely futile to take my anger out on Woojin because it doesn't change the fact that this whole freakin' podcast episode is about me. 

I had my doubts in the beginning, but what came out of Hyunjin's mouth next made me speechless.

"I am not some random stranger. As anonymous as you can be, you cannot fool me. This is not a dream, DarkSpearB99. Reality is indeed like a sliding door. Your spirit may be half empty, but I can fill you up with so much hope. All you have to do...is just ask me, Binnie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for writing a long note. I won't do this again. I just wanted to explain some things in my story. 
> 
> Changbin doesn't remember Hyunjin's voice since he left right after Junior High. 
> 
> At the time of Hyunjin's departure, they would be around the age of 14 or 15. Changbin and Hyunjin's age right now could be around early to mid 20's. I estimated it LOL. They are currently young adults. I didn't have an exact age for them during the time I was writing chapter 1. 
> 
> Changbin and Hyunjin are early childhood friends because they have known each other since they were 8 years old.
> 
> So yes, in the previous chapter, Hyunjin was 8 years old wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and some light blue skinny jeans with sandals. (Referring to chapter 2)
> 
> *Woojin is also Changbin and Hyunjin's childhood friend because they all hanged out during recess playing Yu-Gi-Oh cards.


	4. Hyunjin (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The show must go on, you hopeless romantic."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to write a separate story about Woojin. Would you guys be interested?

Monitor the time. Pulling out my notebook and flip to an unspoiled page. Reach into my pocket and pull out a blue ink pen. Place it on the paper. Write the following words in cursive: _It's not just a mirror._

It seems so simple. Just to write out what needs to be expressed on paper.

The red juices flowing in my brain were either my salvation or my untimely demise. Sounds obscure, doesn't it?

This piece of paper will be my gateway to heaven and hell. I didn't want anyone to see what I have written just yet. Whiteout. Write out. Scratch it out. Whiteout. Write up. Scratch it out. Rip it out. Turn to a new page. And start the process all over again.

Planning out what exactly to say on this new podcast episode was by far the most difficult task I had ever done.

I need to organize everything, so I can lead myself on the right path.

This ink pen, that the entire population use on a daily basis provides us with novels, poetry, plays, reports, short stories, documents, letters, life, love, and heartache.

A pen constantly kisses the paper.

How it slides and creates something exquisite. It's like a mix of contemporary and modern dancing styles.

Writing everything out speaks volumes.

I began to clear my thoughts properly and wrote down what I've always wanted to say to Changbin.

My dear friend, Woojin, did not forget about me. He took a moment to assist me in editing my papers. I wanted this podcast to be absolutely perfect.

The writings were filled with the simple truth that life, though hard upon the surface, was satisfying in a way.

Changbin was always there for me, like that red Hawaiian shirt I wore when I was a kid. The color faded from the hard life. But always there; it has been the constant in my life.

Even my family had eventually come around with the life I had chosen.

My father taught me to treat each and every person I encounter in life with the same respect, dignity and unconditional love with which I would want to be treated if I were in their shoes.

And that’s precisely why Changbin is still my muse. There are plenty of women out there who would judge him as an ugly individual.

They would strain their eyes to focus on the perfection in front of them.

My muse doesn't talk as much. I don't think he is a romantic guy. He tends to maintain a timid smile on his face.

However, I can't forget the way he stares at me. Especially...when he looks at me 'that way'. My muse is the cure to all that ails and impales. In my eyes, my muse is so beautiful. He shot right through my heart. It bleeds just enough and heals slowly.

His presence lifted me and shook me. And stirred inspiration in my soul. My muse is real. It's just him and I. My muse can remove a true writer's block. I won't leave. Not this time. Not ever. It is a potential risk that I'm willing to take.

He is an addiction worth fighting for. My muse is...love.

I naturally want to connect with him and gently caress him softly. Longing for happiness knowing that he is mine.

Being with him would represent my most precious gift ever. I want to express my sincere thanks to him for genuinely appreciating me for this long. I am currently capable of telling him we are free to love. Free to talk candidly. Or am I wrong? Does he feel the same way?

I don't want to merely waste the day. I'm probably overthinking this process as usual.

Stopping my still and reluctant self.

I also don't want to sound too confident either, but I have a feeling he will accept all that is beneath me.

Changbin remains as the one person in this world that has seen the light and darkness inside my heart. Holding his hand. He needs to be found. I instantly saw he was lost.

Once this podcast episode is over; maybe, our unpredictable worlds will become familiar and this day will make sense again. We will begin this brand new chapter in our lives. And it began with a direct approach.

But it can't be done until I launch the pages.

Changbin is part of the reason why I welcome all these necessary changes in my life.

When I used to carefully look in the mirror, I had trouble figuring out what I desperately wanted for myself. I undoubtedly felt in my heart a mirror of my dear father's unspeakable pain and almost sank into it. I couldn't, though.

My duty was to be of help to my loyal fans. They required my help. More help than I could give them.

I tried to cleanse my mind and ignore the nervousness in my heart. As I look at myself in the eye, I received a glimpse of the blooming display in the mirror.

It was full of life and somehow seemed poignant to me.

I understood what Woojin meant when he said: _"The pleasant warmth felt whenever you thought of Changbin represent those faint memories. You had this desire to return to a special place that gave you so much eternal happiness. A time long ago where your soul was fed and your spirit became free. Jinnie...nothing is more priceless than a golden memory."_

As I began anxiously to think and look back over my life, it seems very unusual that nothing has been done right.

Time was against me as if I were an infectious disease. But not this time!

My lifelong dreams were soon to become visions of reality. Inside of me. Every steadying breath that I have taken. Every emotional tear that I have cried. Every practical turn has generally had me shaken. So many critical times I have been stressed and in a deep depression.

For I feel I'm only loved for what I can do and for the possible things I can generously provide. For just one second, I'll force these negative thoughts to the side. I'm over here, standing tall like the redwood tree.

For my decision is final. I shall not fall.

There were so many things that have been said and done. The favorable opinions of others. I value none except for one. I can't be who people eagerly want me to be.

For this is my life, I can only just be me.

This day, I will learn to live without fear, anxiety, and doubt. This very day, I will learn to be all that I am, all that I will be, and be the best that I can be.

“I can do this,” I whispered to myself, smiling.

"Jinnie! Are you ready?! "Woojin said excitedly and asked, "Do you think Changbin will spazz out?"

"Is that what you call it?"

"Yeah, he is our socially anxious little fluff ball."

Hidden behind those shimmering eyes, there is something off about Woojin. I just couldn’t place my sensitive finger as to what it is.

Well, based merely on my intuition, I believe the harsh truth is the truth seeing as it is true, not because it is found in the unknown depths of a fragile man. The fact that he has been single since god knows how long can turn out to be very lonesome.

"I get that we're also childhood friends, but why would you go this far to encourage us?" I asked him.

The truth is, the truth will stand tall through it all and never fall. Woojin is not budging when it comes to his personal life. He doesn’t like burdening anyone with his struggles.

Always helping others, but he can’t even support himself. It’s unfortunate. The real truth is I know nothing at all. One of these days, I hope Woojin can see that he is truly an amazing guy.

Woojin merely smiled and gave me an emotional hug and said: "You deserve it."

Notice the delicate artistry of his pained smile. I doubt he realizes the painful look on his face.

As he gazes into my eyes one last time, the love that he is conveying to me should be directed to someone who will seriously look back at him. Woojin knew that the affection he has for me will crumble to dust if he forcibly seizes the rare moment.

Valuing true friendship over love showcases how important Changbin and I are in his life.

I am confident that in the foreseeable future he will discover someone who will soften his heart with slow-moving lava.

"After 'JJ Project's Tomorrow, Today' song is over, you need to call him," I said. "The overwhelming stress keeps building up, man."

I just finished speaking to a longtime fan about his relationship problems. He asked me: "Is it worth it?"

His story was about cheating on his girlfriend. He thought she was really a great woman. She had a stable job, loyal friends, a nice family and could have been the one. He had this dream about getting married to her and living happily ever after.

Sounds pretty easy, doesn't it? But love isn't always that simple.

He said that he was out one night visiting a friend that lived hours away. He stated that an opportunity presented itself, and he felt like he could get away with it.

She eventually found out and they broke up. It's the only time he has ever cheated on someone and he has been in more casual or 'worse' relationships and didn't cheat.

He wants to come back to her because he misses her a lot. Is it worth it?

I explained to him that the problem isn't the 'worth it' aspect. The main issue is that...will she accept you again?

Most people who get cheated on tend to have trust issues. And there's a saying that goes: 'Once a cheater, always a cheater'. It doesn't always apply all the time. But in this situation, she probably released all the sadness inside and moved on. That's why she blocked you on every social media platform along with your telephone number.

I get that this could be something a guy like himself will look back to every now and then.

It sticks to him like a 'what if' scenario.

Maybe, subconsciously, he wasn't ready to commit to her long-term wise. It could have been immaturity due to his young age. Who knows?

Even if you feel trapped in your current relationship that doesn't excuse yourself to cheat on your significant other.

The lack of communication is prominent here because some guys have trouble expressing their thoughts and feelings. I mean most of us were raised to be strong and unemotional.

In today's society, people cheat just to look cool. How is cheating seen as attractive? It isn't. So what if you're an alpha man?

An alpha man can be just as loyal as the next man. I think certain guys had a bad view on relationships. It could have stemmed from his parent's relationship or from his early relationship with women.

Still, if you don't see the relationship going anywhere then leave.

Don't continue to stay with her and then go off on a lovey-dovey spree elsewhere. Talk to her about your struggles and see if you guys can solve it. If you can't straighten it out, then you should separate or divorce them (if you are married).

It is plain and simple. Why do other people make things so complicated when the answer is literally right in front of their faces?

This is my personal opinion.

I was straightforward to this particular fan because his story upsets me.

However, he seemed to appreciate my honesty. I guess. It's rather sad that this guy couldn't discuss it to his buddies because they're doing the same damn thing to their girlfriends and wives. It's ridiculous.

I honestly can't relate to this at all.

Well, at least I made an effort to answer him properly. There isn't a correct or incorrect way of speaking your mind since everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

But the one thing I would never do is foolishly give anyone false hope.

When Changbin listens patiently to this episode, he will see what I am today. When I speak fondly about him, I want him to properly understand who I was in the past. I was not always who I was now. I had dreams. I was loved unconditionally. I was comfortably filled with many blessings.

I've progressively become a different man. But you are now as you were. I don't see any changes. I see only you.

"Hyunjin!!! We're good!!! Changbin's online!!!"

Woojin shouted and gave an explanation of what was going on.

"I changed this new segment for you. This will be a special part two in your podcast. I titled this one: '9 Years Overdue'. Your devoted fans will be caught off guard, but who cares! Only your subscribers will listen in to your story."

Woojin said, grinning from ear to ear: "This is your only chance to show him what you love to do and share with him the love you have for him in your own unique way."

"Thank you for being my friend all these years," I said, reaching out his hand.

He immediately rejected my touch this one time and looked away, feeling helpless. "Changbin is lucky," Woojin whispered bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Woojin. I...I'm so-"

"Please don't apologize. You have done nothing wrong."

He closed his eyes for a brief second and reopened them. "I'm sorry for reacting this way."

I actually had this odd feeling that he wanted to burst out crying, but he held everything in. He never likes to show his vulnerable side anyways. Woojin then gave him a bubbly cute smile and said, "You're welcome. Like I said earlier, you guys deserve to be happy."

"Wooji-"

"It's fine. Don't worry about me."

"Woo-"

He ended up pressing the 'On Air' button to prevent me from saying anything else. Why the sudden change in mood?

I looked up at him, two dark brown crescent moons for eyes and a happy tone in his voice. "Hwang Hyunjin," he says with a warm smile as the pain as quickly as it came, fade away. "The show must go on, you hopeless romantic."

I took a deep breath and brace myself for impact.

"Hello, everyone! Just for today, we're trying something different. Based on a recent email that I received from one of my listeners; I'm going to portray a character ironically named 'Hwang Hyunjin' and today's personal story on my podcast is called: '9 Years Overdue'. This will be the first and last time I will use the name 'Hwang Hyunjin'. I know some of you guys have known me as Jin. But I genuinely need this one specific listener to understand what is going on. You're a smart boy. Trust me, you'll figure it out," I said.

"I am not some random stranger. As anonymous as you can be, you cannot fool me. This is not a dream, DarkSpearB99. Reality is indeed like a sliding door. Your spirit may be half empty, but I can fill you up with so much hope. All you have to do...is just ask me, Binnie."


	5. Hyunjin (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stray Kids Podcast Episode: 9 Years Overdue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was NOT an easy chapter. I tried my best. I know a podcast is meant to be filled with long discussions & whatnot. But I'm kind of lazy to do all that. I hope my readers understand me.

There is a familiar saying that: "Adulthood was not something reached simply by aging—you matured by struggling and surmounting obstacles—" There's a reason why I wanted to tell you a little story, Binnie. I sincerely hope you're listening very carefully because this will only happen once. I'm usually a very silent person and I don't talk much with people except for Woojin. But I need you to see...I'm making an effort to reach out to you.

The meeting between us was not a coincidence. I instantly recognize you drinking your sorrows away.

When I suddenly asked you: "Enjoying that shot of ethanol down your throat?"

I could see the disappointments, the unfulfilled promises, the emotional pain, and the hurt in your eyes. It has been nine years since I attempted to communicate with you. It makes absolute sense as to why you were caught off guard.

You were able to speak to Woojin via by phone or by text, but not me.

I specifically told Woojin that I wasn't ready to confront you just yet. There were moments that I wanted to vanish into thin air to escape my problems. I knew this wasn't the healthiest method I've done. And yet, I still ran away. I closed my eyes and let myself go. The ones I loved were now gone. I lose my mother. I'm not as close with my father and older brother as I used to be in the past.

But most of all, I lost you. Now that everyone was gone, I wished I was stronger. I needed to be confident enough in myself to let people know it was okay to be myself. 

I wanted to be that same guy who was loving and caring to you.

This empty shell of mine wasn't me.

Looking back, I wished I was more grateful for the things in hand; friends, family, and all those difficult obstacles that made me who I am today. I wished for my life to be back to what I considered to be normal.

I've held everything in for so long. I bitterly regretted so many things that I've done in the past. But the past is the past. I reluctantly accepted my personal regrets now. And over the years, I've discovered how lonely this wicked world can be with everyone gone and nothing but time.

It's just like what 'Kyohei' from 'Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge' once said: "Apparently in life, we end up being like a lost child at times. The more we struggle, the least likely we're to find our way. And it can be very frightening...because everyone around us looks like an enemy. We may think we're all alone in this world. The truth is that when we do get really lost; we have no other choice but to wait for someone to come find us. The person who really cares about us will definitely come for us."

For once, I will explain every single question. All I ask is...for your time.

Let's start from the very beginning. Shall we?

When I was about seven or eight years old, I moved into TY Town after my parents had a divorce. I was still very young when it happened, but old enough to comprehend the situation.

It was a mutual decision on both parties.

You often heard people say 'time heals all wounds'—and I didn't believe it was true.

In my mother's eyes, she was a firm believer in 'time' as a remedy for her broken heart. The divorce process was never easy to handle. I realized things were not going to be the same anymore.

My mother decided to live a few minutes away from my father. I was able to visit my father on the weekends when he wasn't so preoccupied with work.

I guess you could say he was a workaholic.

Most of the time, I stayed at my mother's place to keep her company. I didn't want to leave her alone. And during that time, my older brother preferred to live at my father's house. They planned on co-parenting peacefully and collaboratively for the sake of both of us.

Even though my mother constantly had a smile on her face, I kinda figured out that this must have been the most unpleasant experience in her life.

There were certain days where my mother lacked self-confidence. But I am amazed by my mother's strength to move forward.

As months went by, she became strong-willed and her independence was thriving, which could be considered a good or bad thing. I basically watch the good, the bad, and the ugly between those two. I learned at a young age that everyone has to experience a little bit of pain to grow up and be strong. 

My parents were pretty much equal to us, and they didn't want anyone to feel deeply affected by this so-called divorce.

I never found out why exactly my parents walked out of their 15 years of marriage. Who knows what occurred behind closed doors.

If my mother was still alive today, maybe...they could have gotten somewhat of a closure.

It was obvious my father loved my mother very dearly. It's just they had their misunderstandings. That's all. I don't want to get in too deep on the topic of my mother's death. And plus, you already know the results.

I just wanted to clarify that I'm not upset you didn't visit me at my mother's funeral. It's not your fault, Binnie. I have always known how strict your parents were in real life That's why I didn't think too much of it.

If anything, I should be apologizing to you. I'm truly sorry for ignoring you. I shouldn't have done that to you.

I...I was going through a lot. I didn't want you to be a part of my vulnerable side.

The pain of my mother's death was sickening when it all happened, but with time and support, the outcome turned out to be a positive one. My mother taught our family that pain is a learning process. No matter how tough the circumstances can be and how much damage is done to our family's hearts; we can get through it.

I could never admit it was easy. 

But I do believe a heart can be mended.

For my father, my older brother and I, this recovery process is much slower than getting your heart broken by someone. My mother's death made me stronger. It was such a traumatic experience for me. I had to be patient with myself. I always told myself every single day that this isn't over yet.

However, I couldn't bear being in a city where my mother held her last breath. At least I finished up my final years of Junior High in TY Town. I honestly wasn't prepared to start my high school life there, so I requested my father to send me away.

My family then decided to travel miles away from TY Town to start fresh in SA Town. 

Woojin was absolutely devastated when he found out about the sudden news of my disappearance.

I left prematurely without saying goodbye.

In fact, this was only just the beginning of a new life; a new me. It took me almost a year later before I could text Woojin again. I still didn't have the guts to connect with you because I neglected you for so long. I thought you had forgotten all about me.

When we're young, there are some people who come and go in our lives.

I didn't realize how much of an impact I made in your life. I actually meant so much to you, and I treated you so badly.

No words can describe how sorry I am.

The experience we went through gave me sufficient strength and knowledge to support other people with their pain.

With Woojin's help in the background, we immediately became an unstoppable duo on this podcast. Listening to others about their personal pain and properly utilizing my strength, it makes me feel my temporary pain was worth it.

My personal life has changed completely, Binnie.

In the beginning, I genuinely thought my life made a huge turn for the worst. But, in the end, my life has become better. Yes. Some things in life aren't perfect and aren't meant to be. I know that if I can cross over this unsteady bridge then there is something better waiting for me.

I didn't accept it at first, but when I got past it, I discovered a more beautiful life waiting for me.

And that person...is you...

Did you know? When I was a child, I didn't care if I had such terrible taste in clothing. My public elementary school didn't force students to wear uniforms. This was one of those rare moments where I wanted to make an impression on others. I was unsure of what to wear that day, so I asked for my father's input. Looking back on that day, I definitely didn't regret that red Hawaiian shirt.

I craved the wrong type of attention, but I ended up spending time with you.

That is the main issue in our society. Why does everyone want to be so damn perfect? Why can't we be satisfied with what our parents blessed us? Why do we need to change who we are? Just to satisfy people?

I don't get why people still have to keep up appearances. Why so judgemental?

This explains why so many famous celebrities end up reaching their breaking point. It's hard to live in a social facade. The drama shows and media outlets are not a reliable guide that represents us. They portray these idols, models, actors, actresses as superheroes who work without exhaustion and never have acne-scarred faces or a sloppy hairstyle.

In general, adults may understand the world doesn't work that way at all, but to a certain point in life, perhaps as a young child or teenager, they believed it, and maybe on some levels they still do.

It's just human nature.

This world is divided between the people you can trust and can be yourself around, usually childhood (or close) friends, and everybody else, who you have to essentially wear a mask around.

It's sad our society has fueled these painful insecurities upon our citizens. And the worst part of it all is the peer pressure from millions of other people that can't wait to see you fall. Treating others like dirt. The gossip, the bullying, and the high expectations of your family. They love smelling that fear in you. It's like a leech that can't get off of you.

Bloodthirsty animals. Heartless. Icy numbness. Where do we belong in this complex world?

The most predictable answer for students under 19 would have been to relax and be themselves. A world without diligently studying is impossible. This world is like a football game because we have to know our score. You constantly want to know whose number one. And by the end of elementary school, students would be fed up of desperately trying to win all the time and never winning as well.

People don't realize we eventually lose at one point.

And what's wrong with falling down? We can pick ourselves up again. That's what I learned to do.

During that prolonged period, I needed a place I could call my salvation and school was surprisingly the best place for me. I may have been pretty young, but I sincerely believed the person who I love if love is even a mutual feeling that can be felt...I believe it undoubtedly exists because when I express it...all my negative vibes were replaced.

When you properly introduced yourself to me with a pleasant smile on your innocent face, I naturally wanted to smile too.

Then you asked me what I enjoyed doing during my spare time. I was aware of how upfront you were, so I answered Yu-Gi-Oh! since that was the trend at that time. You told me that was pretty cool and you wanted to duel with me. It was fun playing with you. Everyone knows that the Blue Eyes White Dragon was such a famous card. It had decent attacks and was a part of a strong deck. This was the signature card that Kaiba used against Yugi Mutou.

I recalled you stopping me a couple of times with many traps.

As long as you draw the right cards, anyone has a chance at winning. I didn't really care about winning or losing. I was just so happy. I wasn't a lonely soul anymore. 

I never told you this secret. But I always noticed you, Binnie. Whenever you felt like you had a gaping hole in your heart or a huge lump in your throat, I wanted to be there for you. However, I wasn't strong enough to deal with my own bottomless pit inside my stomach. And when you were a bit tipsy that day, I saw something I shouldn't have seen. I saw you grappling for some kind of control. I was there. I also noticed your longing for desired love. I could instantly feel your pain. 

The source of your heartaches. The distance that causes you so much misery. When you feel like the world isn't fair, I am still here for you.

I understand what you're feeling inside. It leaves you breathless. I was the same way during my teen years. It was all very confusing, especially when you have no one to guide you through it. Whenever you feel like crying so much that you ache with pain, I am still here for you.

It's kind of sad how I used to be in tears a lot that I soak up my own pillow. I'm such a sensitive guy, aren't I?

Well, I'm going to stop beating around the bush and tell you exactly my opinion.

In reality, this particular topic is quite sensitive. Don't you agree? I know that there is no law that discriminates against homosexuality. And no one rarely discusses it publicly to the local audience. I mean...there is no law that protects homosexual from discrimination.

And to be fairly honest with you, it's a scary world out there. You never know if you might end up getting bashed in the head like what happened to 'Justin' in 'Queer as Folk' (U.S. TV Series).

There are so many 'what ifs' when it comes to displaying public affection. Being gay, being a bisexual, being a lesbian, being transgender, being whatever that is outside the norm will never be accepted as normal. The younger generation is a little more accepting than the older generation. 

That's just how society works.

Despite some positive action from a certain population, this topic still continues to be taboo, and it's extremely controversial.

There are many people I know who believe homosexuality is a mental illness. That's why people are unwilling to come out for fear of being perceived as a mentally abnormal human being. You could say it's the 21st century all you want, but you can't escape an individual's dark mind. The government can issue an anti-discrimination law. But would anyone really follow those specific rules?

You cannot instantly change a person's heart, mind, and soul unless they are willing to accept those changes.

I am here representing the small reminders that you're not alone.

The sting behind those eyes. The overwhelming sense of exhaustion from nothing at all. The fear of the unknown. We were never together during those crucial times. I get it. But there is currently nothing stopping us right now. So what are you waiting for?

I hope you'll stop waiting to be saved. You're not a damsel in distress.

I am trying to reach out to you because I need you to receive the comfort and warmth that you deserve.

Who knows what the future lies for us? I am also afraid as well, Binnie. Either I reach for what will be the end of me or witness the beauty that surrounds me? There is so much more I want to say to you, but I prefer to say the rest in person.

But before I end this podcast episode, I'm reminding you one last thing.

No matter the daunting challenges we inevitably face, I will always be there no matter what happens.


End file.
